Giving

 Leaving the grocery store today I saw a mother with her two  children asking for money in the parking lot.  I  only had a twenty dollar bill in my wallet and my instinct was to pull it out, but in the moment I held back. Twenty dollars seemed like too much to give.   Do you ever do that, have an impulse to do something but either talk yourself out of it, or just wait too long to commit and then the opportunity has passed?  Well I am trying to pay attention to my instincts more these days, so after successfully not making eye contact with the family and making my way safely to my car, I stopped, connected back to the original feeling in my heart, dug out the twenty from my wallet and walked back over to them and handed the mother the money.  

 Yes! 

I walked away feeling pretty good,  but by the time I got back to my car my mind was barraged with  criticism and doubt.   Thoughts like "How could she put her kids in such a humiliating position?"   and  "Maybe she is just a bad person taking advantage of people's kindness during the holidays." were drag racing through my mind.   I actually felt  guilty and stupid for giving them the money...

for a minute...

What?! 

This should be pretty cut and dry. See someone in need...help out, if you can. What is to feel bad about?

Where were these thoughts coming from?  I felt like I was channeling conservative talk radio (terrifying!)  

Since I am always one to jump at the chance to over analyze something,  I sat there trying to figure out where this reaction had come from.   

 Did I really think this woman was just "taking advantage of people"?  Why had these thoughts come up?  As I stared out of my car window thinking, the family walked by. I could see that the mom was carrying a handmade sign which said something about losing her job.  

I read once that a huge percentage of Americans are only 45 days away from being homeless if they hit some bad luck  ie:  losing a job or health concerns.  That. is. really. scary.  Maybe this was the source of my judgemental thoughts.  Maybe they came from a subconscious need to put a divide between "us and them".  She was "bad" and that is why she was in this situation.  It is just too scary to think that it could possibly be me in her worn out shoes.  

Fear sneaking its way into the the space reserved for love and connection once again.  

The family stood at the corner and as I turned down the street  I had a chance to make eye contact.    I waved and smiled at them, a smile that I  hoped conveyed a sense of camaraderie.   I don't know if they could feel it in that glance, but the three of them beamed back at me. Yep, we are all in this together.  I was suddenly so glad that I had accidentally pushed yes a few minutes earlier when the 

do you want cash back?  button on the credit card machine flashed at me,  love finds a way