taking up the guantlet

My daughter cried this morning because we were eating smoked salmon with our poached eggs. I mean literally shed tears.  "How could you eat that?!" she implored.  "I don't understand you are  intelligent people!"    "This is wild caught salmon from Alaska,"  I explained,  "and Alaska has some of the few salmon fisheries that have implemented sustainable fishing practices."    "You just want to believe that.  Fish populations are going extinct. If you eat fish at all you are encouraging a market for fish, which supports commercialized fishing. People need to be aware of the crisis,  stop eating fish and let the systems replenish."   Tearfully she continued, "When you eat the salmon from Alaska you are taking the salmon away from the bears, whose habitat is already hugely impacted with development. When the bears don't get enough salmon their poop is not full of the nutrients that the soil depends on, and it effects the whole ecosystem." She explained this all really fast so I may be missing some key points to the long chain of events, but you get the idea.   My children are quite adept at shedding light on my flaws and shortcomings....and although it can be hard to take, it is, in many ways, a blessing.  My husband responded to her  with "You are right, I am being a hypocrite"  I responded with a look... a look that she took to mean I was annoyed with her and thought I knew better.  She was wrong.  In fact, my mind was reeling with questions and admonitions.  Was it all that black and white?  Probably. Does it require strident action?  Definitely.   I do understand the dangerous plight of the oceans, so why the hesitancy in changing my habits?  Have I just been collecting the little bit of evidence to let me continue patterns which I hold so dear  (the amazing health benefits of eating fish is a biggie)  while I ignore the hard facts of what needs to be done?  Am I really just like all of the people I have judged as either too ignorant or too selfish and greedy to do the things that need to be done for our greater good?  How do I manage the horrible, negative, selfish, cynic lodged deep down in my mind which thinks "there is no way that enough people will do the right thing (ie: stop eating fish until the fisheries are replenished, or stop using fossil fuels, etc.) and we are screwed, so I should just enjoy the ride.  Uggh that is hard to admit.   I hear my husband saying  "You didn't grow up the way we did,  never thinking about what you ate or it's implications on your health or anything else"   "Yes I did, she said...I grew up with you two...eating meat"   Well, she did grow up eating meat, but there was always a conversation about the fact that is was organic, and free range. We had long discussions about the need to buy local organic produce. When we sailed in Central America we took note of the schools funded by Pepsi, covered from foundation to rooftop with the Pepsi logo and filled with children with rooting teeth. We talked about the reprecussions of the junk food industry.  Now she has taken up the gauntlet and is throwing it back at us.  Am I up to the challenge?  Old habits are bloody hard to change.


amazing photo found here

Feel It!

I want my days to feel like flamenco.

I want kissing to feel like the first bite of a ripe warm fig freshly plucked off the tree.
I'd want my next success to feel like Apple releasing the iphone.
I want my body to feel like Sylvie Guillem in a grand jete.
I want smiling to feel like sunshine.

I want my friendships to feel like Ted Talk dinner parties, skinny dipping, full moon dances to drums on the beach, sleepovers with face masks and hot chocolate.

I want my nervous system to feel like after massage bliss.
I want my gigs to feel like a dunk in the winter cold Pacific, adventurous, brave, and leaving me energized and tingling from head to toe.
I want my neighborhood to feel like making a surf flick with Jack Johnson.
I want my integrity to feel like the water in a mountain stream, crystal clear, full of life, carving stone

I want money-making to feel like drinking an organic veggie juice squeezed from veggies grown by my local farmer. Healthy, flowing, energizing, sustainable and good for everybody.
I want my word to feel impeccable.
I want laughter to feel like running down a long hill with friends.

I want the end of the day to feel like a long hot shower after days of camping.
I want being of service to feel like making a toddler laugh.

I want philanthropy to feel like winning the jackpot.
I want challenges to feel like detours that lead to new discoveries.
I want love to feel like wearing magic glasses that let you see the divine in everything and everyone.
I want my writing to feel like a great road trip.

I want ideas to feel like the waves at Pipeline.

"Sensuous Goal Refinement + Emotional Magnifying" by Danielle LaPorte.  Yes!   I can always count on some blazing hot inspiration from this brilliant bombshell. Her latest bit of sizzle is in the form of a weekly burning question.  

#1   How do you want it all to feel?    

 Here are her answers. 

photo found here

Giving

 Leaving the grocery store today I saw a mother with her two  children asking for money in the parking lot.  I  only had a twenty dollar bill in my wallet and my instinct was to pull it out, but in the moment I held back. Twenty dollars seemed like too much to give.   Do you ever do that, have an impulse to do something but either talk yourself out of it, or just wait too long to commit and then the opportunity has passed?  Well I am trying to pay attention to my instincts more these days, so after successfully not making eye contact with the family and making my way safely to my car, I stopped, connected back to the original feeling in my heart, dug out the twenty from my wallet and walked back over to them and handed the mother the money.  

 Yes! 

I walked away feeling pretty good,  but by the time I got back to my car my mind was barraged with  criticism and doubt.   Thoughts like "How could she put her kids in such a humiliating position?"   and  "Maybe she is just a bad person taking advantage of people's kindness during the holidays." were drag racing through my mind.   I actually felt  guilty and stupid for giving them the money...

for a minute...

What?! 

This should be pretty cut and dry. See someone in need...help out, if you can. What is to feel bad about?

Where were these thoughts coming from?  I felt like I was channeling conservative talk radio (terrifying!)  

Since I am always one to jump at the chance to over analyze something,  I sat there trying to figure out where this reaction had come from.   

 Did I really think this woman was just "taking advantage of people"?  Why had these thoughts come up?  As I stared out of my car window thinking, the family walked by. I could see that the mom was carrying a handmade sign which said something about losing her job.  

I read once that a huge percentage of Americans are only 45 days away from being homeless if they hit some bad luck  ie:  losing a job or health concerns.  That. is. really. scary.  Maybe this was the source of my judgemental thoughts.  Maybe they came from a subconscious need to put a divide between "us and them".  She was "bad" and that is why she was in this situation.  It is just too scary to think that it could possibly be me in her worn out shoes.  

Fear sneaking its way into the the space reserved for love and connection once again.  

The family stood at the corner and as I turned down the street  I had a chance to make eye contact.    I waved and smiled at them, a smile that I  hoped conveyed a sense of camaraderie.   I don't know if they could feel it in that glance, but the three of them beamed back at me. Yep, we are all in this together.  I was suddenly so glad that I had accidentally pushed yes a few minutes earlier when the 

do you want cash back?  button on the credit card machine flashed at me,  love finds a way 

Starting

    I've been thinking and reading a lot about the creative process lately, which in itself is rather ironic since most of the reading ends up advising that the  best way to be more creative is to... actually start creating. Seems simple, but I find myself coming up with an endless plethora of  distractions to keep me from just doing the work. (things like organizing the closet and cleaning the grout in the shower suddenly seem all important!) Then I came across this

Ira Glass made it all so clear.   Producing work that disappoints,  is a normal part of the creative process, one that you must accept and push through.  Most of my creative life has involved dance. I started dancing when I was four and blissfully unselfconscious. I had many years to fall out of pirouettes, get into the perfect split and reach a level of technique that allowed me to do strong creative work.  Now I am interested in exploring genres I have never done before and I realize- it is super scary and intimidating to be a beginner, especially as an adult!   It is embarrassing to do things poorly.  So I research, I prepare, I make to-do lists, I clean the grout in the shower.  But at some point you have to...
    
     just
          start.
                                   push  
                                          through.
                                                                      choose
                                                                                growth.




                                                                                                                                                 
                                                                                                                                          

too old...ha!!!

                                           Ever told yourself you were too old to do something?

Twyla Tharp still dancing at 70

Fauja Singh took up running at 89 and finished a marathon at 100! 

At 50, Helen Thayer  waked and skied to the North Pole. Fourteen years later she and her husband Bill  walked 1600 miles across the Gobi desert.  They celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary by walking 900 miles across the Sahara.  At the time of the trip she was 73 and he was 84. 

At 99 Leo Plass got his first university degree

                                    

                                  These lovelies help me rethink that silly notion!




Images found here 

love notes

When I was little, I used to send love notes to my family.         Mostly my mom
My favorite was this...
i love you. i do. i do.     I thought I was quite a poet.

 It always made me happy.
 It feels good to make a poem.

It feels good to proclaim your love.

     i love you.

     i do. i do  xxoo

Love notes found here